Asking permission is sexy. Having honest conversations about our boundaries and respecting others is what makes our sex lives fulfilling. Especially when it comes to consensual non-consent (CNC) kink. Here the emphasis is on the CONSENT to make the experience safe, kinky, and satisfying for all involved.

Emphasising the consensual in CNC kinks

Open and honest communication about our and our partners’ sexual preferences and boundaries is essential to experiencing safety in our bodies to explore our sensuality with others.

Talking about sex before actually having sex may seem like a turn-off for some. Yes, pop culture has painted a particular picture of sex as something that gradually (and then suddenly) happens without any talking (except for explicit flirting) and chemistry as the driving force.

But, experiencing sex in its utmost glory requires everyone involved to feel safe within their bodies and comfortable within their sexuality to open up and explore their body and sensual selves with others.

Why is talking about sex so important?

Let’s use a metaphor. Traffic lights are there to create cooperation and to ensure everyone’s safety. If everyone had the choice to stop and go when they wanted to, chaos would ensue, and we would enter the world of Madmax.

And anything to do with sex is the same. If one person ‘stops’ or wants to ‘go’ without the other person’s knowledge, we risk making the person feel uncomfortable, unsafe, or at risk. And this ruins the whole mood, right?

Checking in with our partners before any sexual exploration, during the experience, and afterwards fosters this environment of cooperation and safety. And when someone feels safe enough to explore their sexual realm with you, oh boy, is it magical. We’re talking about full-on relaxation and enjoyment. It’s electric, baby!

So, with consent as paramount, how can we explore the seemingly paradoxical kink of CNC?

What is consensual non-consent?

Fantasise about aggressive sex? Being so out of control that you are pinned down, unable to move, fully under the control of someone else? Or on the flip side, wanting to be in complete control? Then, a CNC kink may be up your alley.

In simple terms, consensual non-consent kink is where BDSM meets role-playing. It involves the VOLUNTARY simulation of a non-consensual scenario. One person temporarily surrenders control and is forced ‘against their will’ by the other dominant person.

This kink is more on the ‘extreme’ side of things since it involves the role-playing sexual act of non-consent. But, like all kinks, there is a spectrum.

The various forms of Consensual Non-Consent kink

The CNC kink will look different for everyone depending on their sexual preferences, desires, and boundaries.

Certified sex therapist Sabitha Pillai-Friedman describes CNC scenarios in a Cosmopolitan article: “Use of blindfolds and restraints, forced sex, bondage, flogging, forced orgasm, edging (the act of drawing out stimulation for a long period of time), and orgasm denial through bondage” are some of the popular.

The extreme scenarios of CNC may include ‘kidnapper’ or ‘intruder’ roleplaying with ski masks or blinding someone, fake weapons, or taking the submissive roleplaying individual to a different location.

An important note: When exploring this kink outside of your private space, others are not aware of your roleplaying, so it’s important to keep it out of the public sphere.

Using safewords during CNC roleplaying

Due to the nature of this kink, establishing a safe word for all participants during CNC is essential. Safe words are predetermined – between both or all individuals – words or specific signals that anyone can use to immediately stop the scenarios if they are uncomfortable or for any other reason. 

Opt for an absurd or unusual word like “cheesecake” or “Loch Ness” that won’t be mistaken for words that are part of the roleplaying, such as “Stop” or “No”. Using safe words for consensual non-consent – or for any other kink – ensures that everyone is exploring their sexuality in a safe and consensual environment.

The importance of CNC aftercare

After the roleplaying, it’s essential to create a space of care for each partner. This type of roleplaying gets the heart pumping, adrenaline running, and a bunch of other emotions involved.

During consensual non-consent, participants experience intense emotions and physical reactions, so taking the time to nurture and tend to one another reaffirms a safe and comfortable space.

Perhaps you offer a warm bath, a soothing warm drink and a blanket to help the nervous system regulate once more. Use the time afterwards to check in with one another and find out what each person needs to feel emotionally and physically safe again. When both are ready, open up a non-judgemental and gentle conversation to discuss and process one another’s preferences and boundaries.

Final Thoughts

There are many nuances to consensual non-consent, so open discussions and safety measures before, during, and after are paramount to safely exploring the CNC kink for a positive and enjoyable experience.